The Ten Worst Backseat Gamer Traits In The World. Ever.

For those moments you just wish you were on your own.

[ BACKSEAT GAMING :

watching someone play a game, remarking on every move (positive or negative).
via UrbanDictionary.com. ]
You’re a gamer. It’s the ultimate social experience between you and your friends. You arrange a get-together to duke it out on your favourite multiplayer game to see if anyone in your crew has got any better or any worse. You look forward to these events, and then your friend invites their friend, who knows nothing of your favourite pastime. Here we go again.
This has happened to me on too many occasions. Mates will bring their girlfriends over, you know the ones, the ones who look at you all like you are the saddest people alive. They quietly (or very loudly, in my case) judge you all as you shout important information at each other such as:

‘’DUDE, YOU TOOK MY KILL!’’
‘’FRAG HIM!! FRAG HIM!!’’
‘’YOU CAN’T DO THAT, I WAS RELOADING’’
‘’FASTER, FASTER…THROW A RED SHELL NOW’’
‘’Who threw the blue shell…WHO THREW THE BLUE SHELL’’

…and other wonderful moments like these that anybody who has no idea what you’re talking about ignore the whole evening completely and spend the entire time with their head in their phone, texting all their friends about how lame we all are.

Well! Now for some retaliation.

There are rules that one must abide by if you are to sit in on a gaming night and have no interest in actually getting involved in said gaming. Here are the Top 10 rules about backseat gaming and non-gaming in general.

10. Keep quiet

‘’OOH! You see that?!’’
‘’Well, yeah. I was the one that did i…’’
‘’WOW!! DO IT AGAIN!’’

It’s best to just stay quiet. The gamer genuinely is trying to concentrate and keep a good eye on what exactly is happening on the screen, to have you shouting in their ear about how awesome everything looks doesn’t help the cause. We’re trying to save planets here, we need to focus. Say something helpful, or don’t say anything at all. You have been warned.

9. I don’t need your help

You know the backstory? Do you know who my character is? You see that button that’s mysteriously lighting up and has a huge arrow on the map pointing at it? Yes? So why are you telling me to go in the opposite direction? Oh, you have a feeling I missed something do you? And what might that have been? The button? The one that’s mysteriously lighting up and has a huge arrow pointing at it?

8. This is my hobby

What do you like to do in your spare time? Go out? See friends? That’s cool. Oh, wait..what’s that in your bag? A copy of a celebrity gossip magazine? Have you got some reality TV to watch eh? I feel your pain, it must be so hard being so intellectually astute and mature as you. Whereas here’s me, spending my days working my brain solving puzzles, engrossing myself into new universes and marvelling at the spectacular work that goes into creating something you consider ‘immature’ and ‘lazy’. Do you build orphanages? Do you spend those evening hours saving helpless kittens from trees? If you do, then you can tell me that gaming is ‘waste of time’. If not, stop being such a hypocrite.

7. No! I don’t suck because I died!

Games are mostly very difficult. Up the difficulty on a variety of games and the challenge is escalated ten-fold. You will get killed, luckily in this gaming age we just start over at the last checkpoint so it’s not really a big deal, the only person it seems a big deal too is the person you have inexplicably decided to sit with.
Because they don’t understand gaming is a challenge and you won’t sail through every level as easily as you did the first couple, the backseat gamer will throw in such gems as ‘’Oh dear, looks like you died’’ and let’s not forget ‘’Oh My God, you died again. You suck at this!!’’ and the classic ‘’Maybe you should play a different game, you can’t play this one’’. It is consistently infuriating. Put yourself in the position of dying just before a checkpoint that seems a long way from the first, then having someone telling you how crap you are in your ear. Do you want to punch them? Good, you’re feeling the right emotion. If you don’t want to get hurt, I’d keep your opinions to yourself. Thanks!

6. Have some patience

I’m not going anywhere until I save, y’hear? You can’t talk me out of it, you can’t say just ‘carry on later’, if I don’t save the last two hours of my game, I am going to cry buckets all over your shoulder, plus be a little angry at you as it was all your fault. I’m not going to just turn it off, if you can’t wait another few minutes for me to find a save point, you shouldn’t be here. Lots of love xxx

5. Read a book, or something

Do you really want to know what’s going on? You’ve seemed such a genius up until now regarding whereabouts I need to be heading in this level. Do you even know what game I’m playing? NO, not the ‘shooty’ one. It’s an interactive fully realised war simulation, created to highest standards of modern technology and has some of the most brilliantly constructed storytelling in gaming history. ‘’Yeah, but…what happens if you jump on that roof?’’…………..*Sigh*.

4. Don’t talk to me about anything else.

If you don’t want to know what’s happening in the game, please refrain from talking to me about any other subject. It may seem rude, but I genuinely am trying to concentrate as I haven’t done this section yet. There is alot to remember, and I like you being here, I just need to get this done. So if you don’t mind…
‘’WOW. Did you see Jeremy Kyle this morning?’’
‘’….What’’
‘’This guy was on there and he had like 6 sisters and 24 kids and he wasn’t paying for any of them and when he went on the lie detector it said he was lying about everything and then he got up and shouted at Jeremy Kyle for bringing him on in the first place and then all 24 of his kids came on the show and he like said nothing to any of them and then…’’ THWACK!…..*thud*

Told you.

3. No, it’s not ‘Pokesomethingman’

If you are here, sat next to me, chances are you’re my friend. That’s brilliant, thanks for coming and it’s nice to hang out with you. But you should know that I’m a gamer, a serious gamer at that. It’s my favourite hobby and since you’re my friend you should know that. I talk about gaming alot and I believe I had a good knowledge on the subject. So when I tell you this game isn’t ‘Super Mario Bros’, you can be damn sure I know what I’m saying. Not every game is called ‘Mario’. The same goes for ‘Sonic’, ‘Pac-Man’ and ‘Tetris’. There a millions of games out there, they aren’t all part of the same franchises. I’m playing something different today. ‘’Oooh you must be so brooding and deep’’…..

2. Don’t touch the controller

Oh you’re SO funny. You just had to press that button didn’t you? While you’re ROFLing over there my death count has gone up because of your wonderfully practical joke only you find amusing. I’m not even going to respond. Actually…I take that back. Go outside. I don’t care if it’s raining. Your little spout of personal hilarity has earned you a lifetime ban off this sofa and out of my house. You earned it, buddy. RULE #2. I’ll give you the list if you want, it’s right here?

1. You want to join in?…YOU?!

This one isn’t really so bad, it’s the eventuality of it beginning which is the reason it’s number 1 on my list. If your backseat/non gamer wants to join in, of course let them. You’re a friend and you’re here to do things together, even if they had no interest in joining in the first time round. It starts off simply enough, you give them a controller and go through the buttons, all good. You sign them in and the game begins.

You : ‘’Right, follow me into this cave’’
Backsteat Gamer : ‘’What cave?!!?!?!’’
You : ‘’…..this cave. The only cave here’’
Backseat Gamer : ‘’That’s a cave? Looks like more of a hole to me’’
You : ‘’You have your weapon?’’
Backseat Gamer : ‘’Which one should I use?’’
You : ‘’Use your machine gun’’
Backseat Gamer : ‘’Got it’’
You : ‘’That’s your pistol’’
Backseat Gamer : ‘’What’s the difference?’’
You : ‘’The machine gun will have a better effect on enemies’’
Backseat Gamer : ‘’Can I not kill people with the pistol?’’
You : ‘’Well, yes, you can bu…’’
Backseat Gamer : ‘’So why can’t I use it then?’’
You : ‘’OK, fine. Use your pistol. It’s getting dark, put the flashlight on’’
Backseat Gamer : ‘’Which button is that?’’
You : ‘’RB. Top right’’.
Backseat Gamer : ‘’I just switched my weapon over. Hey! The machine gun. That’s bigger, I’ll use that’’
You : *sigh*….’’You just pressed Y. The button on the top of the controller, on the right. The shoulder button’’
Backseat Gamer : ‘’LMAO! They have buttons for shoulders now?!’’
You : ‘’F*%K THIS’’

A majority of ignorance is understandable, of course. We’re all beginners at some point. But if you’re not going to listen I just can’t help you anymore. We’ve already been through the tutorial, you should be set. Oh, you give up?

FFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGG

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